To commemorate the fourth weekly post and the support and help that I've received from friends and family in starting this blog, I'd like to pass along a bit of that same support and help, in the form of advice. It occurred to me as I changed a horrendously awful diaper this morning, that there are many things that I had to learn from experience instead of being instructed in them beforehand. Every parent knows that there isn't a handbook for being a parent, there is no way to prepare a new parent for everything that comes along, and there is no way to impart the knowledge of parenting to someone who has not experienced it. Despite this, there are always tidbits of information that can be passed along that many people might not think to. Some of these are funny, some are not so much, but no matter the case, I think every parent will be able to admit the truth of at least a handful of these. Without further ado, I give you:
The Top 25 Things Someone Should Have Told Me About Being a Father and Didn't (In No Particular Order):
1. If anything is breakable, it will be broken. Learn swiftly the transience of material belongings.
2. That which once was yours is yours no longer - it has become part of an inheritance - to be run away with at top speed by your offspring, while said offspring laughs with manic glee.
3. That which has been run away with, if once it leaves your sight, shall never be found, unless you develop the magical power Eyes of a Parent. You shall not gain this power until your third year of parenting or after, and this power does not grant automatic success.
4. Though common sense will tell you to breathe through your mouth if you don't want to smell the foul stench that reeks from your child's diaper - trust me. This is a very bad idea.
5. Everything that you think is not a toy is, in fact, very much a toy.
5a. Everything that you think is a toy is actually a boring and unimpressive floor decoration.
6. The statement, "That toy won't fit in there," is made to be proven wrong. Even when the disproving of the statement violates some laws of physics, this law supersedes all other known physical laws.
7. Every command, rule, or expectation has a loophole.
8. Learn to put everything up high for the safety of your child. It doesn't matter about you, you'll never find any of it anyway, no matter how organized you think you are.
9. Your friends either love babies/children or hate them. They don't know, and neither do you - until you realize which friends you still have.
10. The feeling that fills your heart as your barely walking toddler hugs your leg for affection instead of support is, actually, true love. Treasure it, it doesn't come to the human heart often.
11. Everyone you know, even those without children or any experience, is suddenly a better parent than you are, and intend to help you learn how to be as good a parent as they are.
12. Every electronic device is a phone or a hammer, or both, interchangeably.
13. The earpieces of glasses are meant to be tied in knots.
14. Books are meant to only be read partially, but so many times that a child can memorize them before his or her third year, despite never having heard them in their entirety.
15. Children are smarter and faster than their parents, but cannot strategize or concentrate as well. Use these facts to your advantage.
16. Buckets are hats. Do not question it. When in Rome, do as the children who want to wear buckets on their heads do.
17. Your pain and hardship are, to children, amusement and play. They will not understand when you are truly hurt or upset - and telling them would be worse than letting them learn to understand.
18. Upon becoming a parent, it becomes possible to catnap for half an hour and gain enough energy to last the equivalent of eight hours of sleep, when necessary.
19. Give up the idea of being able to make a quick exit from the house. This power is only retained by your children, and only when you don't want them outside.
20. It is impossible for a father to listen to his child cry from any need and do nothing. Your child will learn this and attempt to manipulate you. Value this advancement, but do not succumb.
21. Parenting a toddler means that not only have you become a sentient, mobile wastebin, but you are also a handkerchief, pillow, leaning post, jungle gym, ladder, and hammock.
22. Coolness is impossible to maintain as a parent. It's practically impossible to have a peer-admired image after blowing raspberries to a fussing child in public.
23. It is better to teach your child that monsters are real and vanquishable than it is to teach them to ignore their fears.
24. A camera is never accessible at the most opportune moments, and you will never be able to record all the things you wish you had.
25. Before having children, your goal is to be the perfect parent, and raise your children to be what you envision. After having children, your goal is simply to survive and teach your children to be better people than you are.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you found this list to be informative - and as amusing as I found it in the making.
The Top 25 Things Someone Should Have Told Me About Being a Father and Didn't (In No Particular Order):
1. If anything is breakable, it will be broken. Learn swiftly the transience of material belongings.
2. That which once was yours is yours no longer - it has become part of an inheritance - to be run away with at top speed by your offspring, while said offspring laughs with manic glee.
3. That which has been run away with, if once it leaves your sight, shall never be found, unless you develop the magical power Eyes of a Parent. You shall not gain this power until your third year of parenting or after, and this power does not grant automatic success.
4. Though common sense will tell you to breathe through your mouth if you don't want to smell the foul stench that reeks from your child's diaper - trust me. This is a very bad idea.
5. Everything that you think is not a toy is, in fact, very much a toy.
5a. Everything that you think is a toy is actually a boring and unimpressive floor decoration.
6. The statement, "That toy won't fit in there," is made to be proven wrong. Even when the disproving of the statement violates some laws of physics, this law supersedes all other known physical laws.
7. Every command, rule, or expectation has a loophole.
8. Learn to put everything up high for the safety of your child. It doesn't matter about you, you'll never find any of it anyway, no matter how organized you think you are.
9. Your friends either love babies/children or hate them. They don't know, and neither do you - until you realize which friends you still have.
10. The feeling that fills your heart as your barely walking toddler hugs your leg for affection instead of support is, actually, true love. Treasure it, it doesn't come to the human heart often.
11. Everyone you know, even those without children or any experience, is suddenly a better parent than you are, and intend to help you learn how to be as good a parent as they are.
12. Every electronic device is a phone or a hammer, or both, interchangeably.
13. The earpieces of glasses are meant to be tied in knots.
14. Books are meant to only be read partially, but so many times that a child can memorize them before his or her third year, despite never having heard them in their entirety.
15. Children are smarter and faster than their parents, but cannot strategize or concentrate as well. Use these facts to your advantage.
16. Buckets are hats. Do not question it. When in Rome, do as the children who want to wear buckets on their heads do.
17. Your pain and hardship are, to children, amusement and play. They will not understand when you are truly hurt or upset - and telling them would be worse than letting them learn to understand.
18. Upon becoming a parent, it becomes possible to catnap for half an hour and gain enough energy to last the equivalent of eight hours of sleep, when necessary.
19. Give up the idea of being able to make a quick exit from the house. This power is only retained by your children, and only when you don't want them outside.
20. It is impossible for a father to listen to his child cry from any need and do nothing. Your child will learn this and attempt to manipulate you. Value this advancement, but do not succumb.
21. Parenting a toddler means that not only have you become a sentient, mobile wastebin, but you are also a handkerchief, pillow, leaning post, jungle gym, ladder, and hammock.
22. Coolness is impossible to maintain as a parent. It's practically impossible to have a peer-admired image after blowing raspberries to a fussing child in public.
23. It is better to teach your child that monsters are real and vanquishable than it is to teach them to ignore their fears.
24. A camera is never accessible at the most opportune moments, and you will never be able to record all the things you wish you had.
25. Before having children, your goal is to be the perfect parent, and raise your children to be what you envision. After having children, your goal is simply to survive and teach your children to be better people than you are.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you found this list to be informative - and as amusing as I found it in the making.
