Love and Fear - An Introduction

    "Love and fear.  Everything the father of a family says must inspire one or the other."  ~Joseph Joubert (French Essayist and moralist, 1754-1824)

    It is a unique thing to be in my position. On the one hand, I am a young man, born in 1987, with my formative years spent in the 1990s, easily one of the most decadent and wealthy eras of American history. With this comes a (begrudgingly admitted) sense of entitlement common to my generation and all the cultural nostalgia that seems to be more common with the children of the 90s than many other generations. I am tech-friendly, I am an internet scion, and I am an ever-wondering student of modern science. On the other hand, I was raised by two parents who were born in the 40s, happily married in 1968 (thus in their 43rd year of marriage), and adopted me as the youngest of their six children. This situation put me in the position of being raised with old-fashioned morals and cultural exposure to things that were favorites of the generations preceding mine. I was taught that to work for my keep, to be a gentleman, to help others, to save money, and to generally do what I can to better myself and the world around me as much as possible.

    In 2007 my older daughter, Emily Teresa, was born. I was 19 when she came into the world on April 25th. She lived with me only for two years, and then her mother and I, who were married, separated because of irreconcilable differences, following with a divorce two years later. Her mother signed over custody to her parents, and they adopted Emily, without my consent, and with my ex-wife doing her best to play different faces to all parties involved. She told me that I was not allowed to contact her or Emily, and kept all of their contact information secret from me. To others, she presented that I had all of their contact information and was allowed to contact them any time I liked - but I never did.  This was neither the first time, nor the last, that she presented different stories to multiple people, or manipulated things into the most convenient arrangement for herself at the time, and my separation from my daughter was something I only could cope with due to the help of my close friends who trusted that what I told them was true, and many sleepless nights filled with cold rage and hot fury, screaming, weeping, and prayer. Sometimes this is still the case.

    In 2010, my younger daughter was born. Caelen Cassandra Tahiri entered this world on March 31st, with a full head of hair and all the attitude of her mother and myself combined. Her mother and I are still together, and we each make every attempt to understand, work with, thrive on, and grow into the other's differences, doing the best we can to provide for each other and our beautiful little Jedi.  It is with this background, then, that I approach fatherhood. This mix of old and new, this blend of decadence and morality, shapes the man that I have become - the man my daughter is, for better or worse, stuck with as a father figure - a geek, a martial artist, a student of the sword, a big-city boy turning into a small-town man, an anachronism immersed in modern society and comfortable in any situation.

    Fatherhood has already been a daunting task, with many unforeseen pitfalls, stresses, worries, and grievances. On the other hand, it has also been a bountiful source of joy, amusement, and near-endless hilarity. With this blog I hope to give all of my readers a glimpse into my family life, and the ups and downs of being the old-fashioned father of a small child in modern times.

    Lastly, I would like to explain the title of this blog. It was inspired by the above quote, and it shows the two sides of the fatherhood coin extremely well. Every father has a list of fears as long as both his legs, and faster moving. These fears are wrapped in the body of a child, and are what keeps that child safe, what comforts that child when he or she is hurt, and what bring rules and guidelines into existence. These fears are what keep fathers up into the wee hours of the morning, looking at the face of their sleeping angel and wondering what mischief they will bring the next day, or what new hurts and bruises are to be dealt with. These fears are what make a father wonder if he was really ready to be a father, or if his son or daughter will ever look back on his efforts to raise them with the fondness he feels toward his own. These fears are what make every father understand that the life they've helped create is precious and fragile.

    On the other side of that coin is that this love a father feels for his child is a revered and sacred thing. This love helps a father face his own shortcomings and be willing to learn and grow more, to become the role model and guide that his child needs. This love is what makes a father turn into an angry bear when his child is in danger, and turns him into a ball of fluff when the child is happy.

    It is said in scripture that "perfect love casts out fear."  Conversely, it is this love for his child that makes a father afraid, because this love is what makes him realize that he is not perfect, and makes him realize with great sorrow that even his best efforts will never be completely enough or completely right, that he will make mistakes, that he will fall short, and that he will fail his child repetitively. Despite knowing this, it is a father's love for a child that makes every father strive to give his child the best he can, to raise his child the best way he knows. It makes him face his fears, take on this daunting task, and continue to strive forward for the benefit of his child, though the effort bring him to his knees time and again.

    Also, let us not forget that one definition of fear is synonymous with awe. To be a father, to be blessed with a child, is an awe-inspiring thing. To know that your destiny has brought you together with this small being, to be this little person's guide into life - these realizations inspire a mixture of dread and reverence. Every father who accepts this task has paused for a moment and considered this, being struck by the momentous task, and the monumental honor, that comes with it.

    To be a father, to know that you are a father, to take on this task of being a father - it is a trial, a burden, a joy, and a thrill that inspires the raw emotions of love and fear.